Dear Baby...

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You really threw this mama for a loop.  I’m sorry I’m not as excited as I hoped I would be about this pregnancy. I hate that I’m not impatiently waiting for your arrival like I did with your big sister. I want this time to be as magical as the first, but it’s just not. I’m writing to you today because I want to be sure you understand that my feelings have absolutely nothing to do with you. I love you. I just don’t understand how much yet. 

When I was pregnant with your big sister, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It was all so new and mysterious I couldn’t help but be enraptured by every moment. I stared at my belly every morning, just waiting to see if my bump magically grew overnight. I wasted hours upon hours waiting for her next kick. And then the minute she slipped into this world, my heart awoke to the true depths of love and everything changed. The love I felt during pregnancy amounted to nothing when Shiloh finally arrived.   

Yet, here I am again, and I just don’t know what to feel. I’m sorry I don’t feel that crazy love for you yet. It seems impossible in this moment to imagine what our lives will be like when you arrive.  Actually, every time I try, I panic. Will you be as easy as your sister?  Will I ever sleep again? What if I can’t give you the time that you need?

So many worries and fears surface that I’ve never encountered before. There wasn’t a moment of fear when I was pregnant with your sister. And now that’s all I know. 

On the other hand, I am excited for you to meet Shiloh. I have no doubt that she’ll be a good big sister. She loves babies and is as sweet as pie. She loves to snuggle in the mornings and right before bed. She is currently learning how to share, so I’m hoping we get that down by the time you arrive. She also loves pointing out body parts so I’m sure she’ll love to practice on you. Nose. Eye. Eye. Toes. 

Thinking of you two together brings me the most joy right now. 

Your Dada and I will be finding out what gender you are in 3 days. I’m optimistic by knowing what you are will help me bond with you. 

I really hope you're a girl. If you are a girl, I’m anticipating that a lot of my anxiety about another baby will fade. I always wanted a sister, so mostly I will be so excited for you and Shiloh. You’ll get to grow up with your best friend, paint each others nails, braid each others hair, and play princesses until I tell you to go to bed. I’m not as excited for the 12-17 year old years, but I’m willing to accept that challenge. I was a pretty awful teenager so I like to think I can handle you girls. 

If you are a boy, I see this going two ways. On one hand, I’ll be incredibly excited because it’ll be something new and unknown therefore bringing back that magical mystery. Or I go into a more deeper panic because having a boy truly scares the shit out of me. Which is hysterical because before Shiloh, I only wanted boys. I was 100% sure Shiloh was going to be a boy. But now, I guess raising a girl is all I know. Plus boys are messy. And rowdy. And when you grow up and get married, you’ll always choose your wife over me because that’s what you should do. But I don’t like that. 

And I really don’t want to have to make the circumcision decision.  Obviously I want you to fit in to society’s standards, but I also don’t want to cause you any pain.

If you are a boy, I know I’ll love you baby. This is just me working through all of my heart’s clutter. I guess a lot of this fear is because if you are a boy, somewhere inside me knows that I’ll love you so deeply. It’ll all be new and mysterious again and I guess that scares me this time. I know how to love a daughter. I don’t even have a clue what it’s like to love a son. 

Whatever you are, just know that I will love you. No matter what. Your mama is just trying to figure this all out. Just promise me that you’ll go easy on me.