Yep. You read that correctly. Two lines. Two babies. I’ve pinched myself and this is not a dream.
Two days before Thanksgiving, the hubby and I ran out to Kroger, the local grocery store, to grab the last of the yams and green beans for some of my holiday staples. The day before I randomly realized I was about 10 days late for my period, so my brilliant way of communicating this to my husband was to casually grab a pregnancy test at the end of our shopping trip.
In my head I imagined it would be this simple, yet cute way to tell him. Except that it wasn’t.
He immediately started to freak out and demanded that I take the test right then and there. Of course I was not going to take a pregnancy test in the public restroom of Kroger. My whole plan for this purchase was to start the conversation of what could be…maybe take the test in a few days (especially since I have a history of irregular cycles). I just wanted it for assurance. Assurance that I was NOT pregnant.
Well, that’s not what Chase wanted. His exact words were “I cannot move on with my life any further without knowing.” Feet rooted firmly in the ground, stretched hands fixed in mid air— I knew he meant it. But being the classy lady that I am, I refused to take a pee test in Kroger. That just sounds unsanitary.
We left the store with only one more stop before heading home. Whole Foods.
Chase: “You’re going to take the test in Whole Foods.”
Me: No I’m not.
Chase: “Yes you are. I have to know.”
Me: No, we can wait.
Chase: “No we can’t. If it’s positive then we’ll know it’ll be organic.”
Me: If it’s positive, it will be a complete act of God.
Now, I really didn’t think I was pregnant. I had absolutely no other signs except for a late period and we hadn’t been trying. I truly believed it was going to be false, so what happened next was never in my realm of possibility.
In attempt to keep Chase from a heart attack from anxiety, I somehow convinced myself there was no way it could be positive. I agreed to take the test so he would shut up about it.
The minute I squat to pee, my hand starts shaking. Realizing I had at one point thought it could be possible, so what if it was? What am I going to do if it is positive and I’m stuck in a Whole Foods bathroom stall with a line out the door?
I start to panic. After my business is done, I just stand there. Waiting. Watching my timer slowly tread through three minutes, every second my heart pounding outside my chest. With 30 seconds still left, I look.
As you already know, I was so wrong. So so so wrong.
Gazing through the cracks in the bathroom stall in disbelief, I notice there is still a line out the door. My hands shaking even harder now, I stuff the test in my purse, wash my hands like six times and begin the dreaded walk to meet Chase.
I had no idea how he was going to respond. Maybe I should haven’t been so confident that it was going to be negative. Maybe I should have made him wait. It was all too late for that.
You know that moment in a dream when everything seems super fun and happy, but then a giant snake enters the picture and suddenly you are struggling to stay alive. That’s exactly what this moment felt like. I entered my nightmare and I couldn’t wake up.
Once he realizes it wasn’t a joke, Chase straight up leaves the store in a full panic. With my grocery list still in hand, I scurry through the store hoping not to see anyone. My entire body shaking on the inside. I tried my best to smile at the sweet cashier attempting to make small talk. I couldn’t follow at all what she was saying. I remember my hands shaking so hard I could barely enter my pin number on the key pad.
I darted out of that Whole Foods as fast as I could without being noticeably panicked.
Who knew a grocery store could be so life changing?
I met Chase at the car, heart still pumping and so afraid of what he was going to say next. All I wanted was to get home to tell my mom.
Instead we sat there. How did this happen? I told you I wasn’t ready! I told you! How did this happen? You said it was going to be ok.
Whoa whoa whoa.
Let’s just say this was not his best moment.
Let’s just say this was not my best moment.
It was all too much. Something we were obviously not ready for. We probably sat there for another hour trying to understand how it happened and how he wasn’t ready.
I honestly didn’t feel ready either. Even though my initial response was excitement, I knew I didn’t want to restart this baby adventure for at least another couple months. I was also freaking out but didn’t want him to see that.
I finally convinced him to drive me home.
We get there and I suggest he take a walk. I walk into my mom’s house not realizing I’m about to burst. I open the door and immediately hear Shiloh’s sweet little voice excitedly shout “Mama!”
I lose it. I start to belly cry the ugliest of ugly cries. My mom comes running to hug me with confusion and fear filling her voice. I’m pretty sure she thought someone had died.
And honestly that’s what it felt like.
To feel like your own husband was angry about a pregnancy felt like the death to my happiness. To hear your own loving husband say that he can’t do this again felt like I wasn’t allowed to have this baby. Even though I was freaked out of my mind, I couldn’t help but automatically feel love and excitement for this baby. I couldn't help that deep down I knew it was a good time to be pregnant again.
We just weren’t ready. But in the next moment, I realized that’s okay.
Because when does life ask you if you’re ready or not? Never. All we have in these moments are choices. The choice to choose hope over despair. The choice to choose forgiveness over punishment. And most importantly the choice to trust in the Lord because not once has He failed us.
Too often we expect our lives to play out like the next greatest romantic comedy and that’s where we get it wrong. I was so hurt by his initial response, and yes, it was unfortunate, but it was real. I wouldn’t want a husband who hides his reality from me. I wouldn’t want him to pretend it was all okay when it wasn’t.
Will we make enough money to support two babies? Will we have to move into a bigger place? Is it possible to love another human being as much as I love my Shiloh? Right now it doesn’t feel possible. And that is so scary. A sweet friend told me not to worry, that there’s a compartment of my heart that hasn’t been touched yet. I love that visual, mostly because it gives me hope. I can just picture this next baby holding the key to that compartment.
Since those two little lines showed up in my hands, I’m going to be real, we’ve struggled. Physically, I've thrown up more in the last 5 weeks than I have in my entire existence. Emotionally, It’s been a long, drawn out process, however we are both choosing to step into faith. And I am proud to say it is only making us stronger. It may be a daily battle, but that’s ok. All we have is today anyways, so I’ll worry about tomorrow when it comes.